What I want I can never have again and yet I manage to survive, even to thrive in moments. But the fact remains that you are gone.
Every second. Every minute of every day that further separates you from me makes me yearn for you even more. I saw a young man who reminds me of you. His eyes and nose. You couldn’t tell what was on his mind. His face caught me but it was the way he held is expression. Like he had other things to think about. That was you. I miss your difficult stare. The one that told me you were collecting thoughts. Working out ideas. Figuring out life.
In two minutes in front of the meat counter I absorbed all that. All of you that I cannot ever forget. I stared too long at him I know. But when that’s what you’ve got you take advantage of the moment.
Deep breathing, sad feelings filling my lungs and a chance to recall in person a little of what you looked like. In the days when there was no end to your life. Only your bursting, full of possibilities future.
The promises that the world held so much more for you. “You can do anything we told you”.
I know it was not you but I’ve come to a place where I see you in other young men. As painful as that is it’s what I have every second, every minute and every day that separates us.
April 28, 2009 and all the days since that I have lived without you.